Friday, February 26, 2010

My Contingency Plan

The world is becoming a scary place these days and I am becoming increasingly concerned with my own safety and the safety of my loved ones. Everyday I hear about more wars, rumor of wars, murder, rape, inhumane acts, and vicious crimes. So this past week I was pondering upon what I need to do to prepare myself and my friends for what is to come and realized that I might have some holes in my defenses.

Sure I might be prepared to protect myself from murderers, rapists, wars, and acts of animal cruelty, but am I really ready for anything?

Luckily I have Hollywood. Movies have prepared me a contingency plan for almost any terrible, world ending situation. Like what to do if all the semi-trucks and lawn mowers in the world become possessed and try to kill all mankind, or what I should do if the earth is about to take a direct hit from a giant meteor, or even what to do if gremlins try to take over my neighborhood. Essentially, Hollywood has been preparing us for the end of the world for years, we just haven't been paying close enough attention.

But being the rational man that I am I realized that there is only one world ending situation we can and should be worried about:
A zombie outbreak.

Since realizing the seriousness of this future problem I have devoted serious thought and hours of planning in order to prepare myself for a zombie outbreak and this is what I have come up with. 

My plan is simple and consists of 7 steps:
1- Acquire shotgun and loads of ammunition (for defense).
2- Stock up on beef jerky, peanut butter, and water filters (for eating and stuff).
3- Stock up on winter clothing and have it ready to go at any moment (for warmth).
4- Own a truck with plenty of gas cans (for transportation).
5- Have all of it ready to go as soon as zombie outbreak occurs (for quick escape).
6- Drive north into Alaska or Canada where it's too cold for zombies and their coagulated blood to function (for safety).
7- Enjoy hunting/fishing/sledding/living in peace until the end of your days (for happiness).

Mind you, this isn't the only plan, and maybe not even the best plan, but it is a plan and that's better than nothing. For this reason I urge all of you to honestly consider the threat of a zombie outbreak and write up a legitimate contingency plan. Also, if you have your own zombie contingency plan or advice/revisions to my plan I would ask that you please share so that we can all share in a safer, happier, and zombie-less future.

I'm ready for a zombie outbreak, are you?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

You can't fool me, faker.

It's student government election time at USU.

It's also a time I generally dislike.

I really have nothing against the elections themselves. I don't mind the weird shirts/bandannas/stickers/patches/tattoos/costumes/boondoggles, or the signs/posters, or the coupons for free/discounted stuff.

The thing that irks me about student elections is the all fakeness.

A week ago I could have been bleeding-out in the halls of the TSC and some of the people running for office probably would have just walked on by, not caring about me one little bit. But this week they are running for an office that pays pretty darn good (for college students) and it all depends on how many people they can get to vote for them. So today those same people who would've let me bleed to death in the TSC are my best friends and are "sincerely" concerned about me and my life. They want to know how school/work is, how the lady situation is, if I have any concerns/complaints about the University, they're even "concerned" with how my terminally ill hamster is doing. I don't even have a terminally ill hamster...idiots. They can try to act like real people, but underneath their thin skin of "care" and "concern" I can see that they are really just uncaring/money hungry robots of fakeness.

Granted, I have quite a few friends running for various positions and I wish them the best of luck in the elections. But that still doesn't change my feelings for the whole election process. I don't like how it makes people fake and I don't like how people think that I'm suddenly their best friend.. .it's annoying. I won't ever trust you fake peoples, I'm not about to get fooled like Willy did in "I am Legend"...mostly because I don't want to get killed by zombies, but also mostly because I don't want to have to kill my best/only friend. So please don't be fake with me cause it won't work, I'm real.

Fred fooled Will. Don't expect to be so lucky with me fakers.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A tribute

My Mother turned (censored) this year and for her birthday she got her first real cell phone.

She chose (actually, it was most likely my electronic savvy Father who chose for her) an iPhone. I laughed at first when she showed it to me and said, "Look Brett, I finally got a cell phone." I couldn't believe that my technology resistant Mom was finally going the way of the world by owning a cell phone.

To understand my awe and disbelief you need understand the relationship my Mom and technology have. My mom might say that she knows how to use technology just fine, but that is a lie. For example, about 15 years back my Mom couldn't figure out how to turn the computer on and had to as my 3 year-old sister to do it for her. To this day my Mom struggles with simple technology like e-mail, cell phones, wireless internet, television recordings, GPS devices, and surface to air missile systems; yet she somehow is able to stay connected with the world and her loved ones.

The amount of knowledge my Mom has concerning electronics and technology is laughable, but I give her props for taking a step of faith into the world of cellular devices. I had the opportunity of teaching my Mom to text, to make and receive calls, and the wonders of You Tube. It was a great birthday and now I enjoy having deep and intellectual text conversations with my is great.

My Mom is the best, she is a saint, and I love her.

I know you probably won't read this Mom, but I love you and I'm proud of you for finally being all growed up!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Thinkings and Ponderings

Do you want to know more about the world?
Do you consider mullets to be a legitimate haircut or just plain awesome? 
Are you sick of reading "news" in the Statesman and local opinion newspapers?
Do you ever stay awake at night worrying about global warming and how we can make it warmer?
Do you wonder why penguins look so funny when they walk?
Would you like to get some new fresh insights into different events around the globe?
Do you like cool shiz?

If you answered yes to all or one or none of these questions then I suggest you check out my new blog titled "Inform This!" It will be a weekly or bi-weekly blog covering different world events, both current and past, that have worldwide importance.

I am pretty sure you should check it out if you want to get it is.
That's your empty brain he is sweeping up. Get to my new blog soon and often so your brain isn't empty.

My obsession

I realized that spring training is right around the corner and a spark of excitement shot into my heart. I love baseball. I love to play baseball. I love to watch baseball. I love to read about baseball. I love to think about baseball. I LOVE baseball. Along with new socks and steak dinners it is one of the few passions I have in this thing we call life.

Some people say I am weird. Others say I am obsessed. They give me weird looks of disgust and wonder.

I say so what? I'm obsessed with baseball. Ger over it. It's too sophisticated for you to understand...I love baseball and I don't care who knows it!

In particular, I am obsessed with the Atlanta Braves. They have been my team since my conception and I will never stray from the path.I am pretty sure they will be pretty darn good this year and I have high hopes for their chances of making the playoffs...oh that would be grand.

Best part is that I am going to be able to see one or two spring training games in Phoenix during spring idea that I have ever had or heard, I cannot freaking wait!

This is gonna be a great year for me and baseball. I can feel it in my bones.

PS- if you can name each Braves player in these photos I will be your friend forever.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I guess I'm grateful...sort of.

I've heard a few time that trials and tribulation make us grow and help us to develop skills and abilities that otherwise we might not have developed. This has never more sense to me than it did a few evenings ago after a friend of mine told me I give the best back massages in the world.

It made me think about how I gained that special ability. It brought me back to my younger years. The year two-thousand and three. It brought me back to a time of immense joy, but also a time of extreme trial.

The summer after I graduated (7 years ago) I moved to Gilroy, California to live with my bro Clint and his family for the summer. It was a very memorable summer, I have some great memories of hanging out with the boyz, board games, baseball, building a patio/walkway, the beach, and just having a grand old time.

But it also includes some memories that are equally as memorable, but for less enjoyable reasons. My bro is a physical therapist and he was able to set me up with a pretty sweet job as an aide at his clinic. I had no prior experience, but I got a lot of on the job training and quickly learned the ropes. For the most I really enjoyed my job, it was a pretty low stress, I met a lot of random people, I worked with my bro, and I learned a lot about a lot of things.

Unfortunately tho, my job wasn't all fun and games. I can't tell you how many times patients came in and I would be the one that had to give them a "lower back" massage or what I have like to call the "upper butt massage." Now that wouldn't be too bad if the majority of patients in a physical therapy office were young and attractive girls, but that is not the reality. In fact, the exact opposite is true, the majority of patients are old and overweight.

I want you to imagine giving a lower-back/upper-butt massage to a 300 pound man/woman in his/her 50's or 60's. Now close your eyes and imagine that person laying face down on the table with their shirt off and their rear-end exposed... don't think about it too long tho, cause I just threw up a little bit in my mouth doing that exact exercise. Now try and imagine yourself giving that person a massage. It's not a fun thing to imagine is it. You also need to take into account that these ain't no sissy "feel-good" massages, these are intense, deep-tissue massages. Meaning, that I often worked up a little bit of a sweat in order to be able to work the muscles under the layers of fat in order to do my job correctly. Now imagine giving 5 or 6 of those massages a day, 5 days a week

Luckily, this terrible time in my life brought some positive consequences into my life. I am now a very skillful and talented I guess I'm grateful for all those fat and old people with "lower back" problems. Your pain and my trial have come together to create in me a very useful skill. And for that, I thank you.

Moral of the story: Make lemonade out of life and enjoy it.
Thanks Clint, Kadie, and Boyz for everything you've done for me. Ya'll are a great example to me and how I want/need to live my life. I love you all a great deal.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Harry Potter, you're a wizard!

As many of you might know, I have been planning for about the past year on attending law school in the fall of 2010. Thus far I have been accepted to 2 schools (Seton Hall, DePaul) and rejected by 1 (George Mason). That leaves 7 schools I have yet to hear from.

During this waiting period I have been somewhat nervous concerning my acceptance to law school, that was until yesterday when I received a very unexpected and life changing letter in the mail. I retrieved the mail in the early afternoon to find this gem waiting patiently for me in the mailbox.

I couldn't believe it. I had just received a letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. In fact I didn't believe it. I thought for sure it was a hoax or some kind of sick joke. Due to my extensive knowledge concerning the Harry Potter books and movies I was able to subject the envelope and its contents to a very close inspection and perform testing in order to deduct that the envelope and the letter it contained were indeed legitimate.
I have been accepted to one of the world's greatest educational establishments. It truly is a Christmas miracle for this to have happened to me and I am still a little shocked and disbelieving when I think about it. Every time I doubt the validity of it all I just pull out the letter and all my doubts and fears are silenced. This is the real deal. This is legit.

Forget about being a lawyer and learning to sue people, I'm going to be a freaking wizard and learn to cast a confundus charm on your face and fend off dementors with my sweet patronus (which will be a great-horned owl of course). It will be a great, life changing experience and I cannot wait to further my secondary education in the realm of witchcraft and wizardry.

To all you who might be against my attendance at Hogwarts or against witchcraft and wizardry in general, I am sorry and I hope it does not destroy or ruin our relationship in anyway, but I need to fulfill my destiny and it now lies at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I can't wait to hook up with Hermione...HOGWARTS FALL 2010 chubbies!
Thanks girls, you are great. That letter made my day/week/month/year.

PS- I made that shirt myself. It is inspired by Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.