Sure I might be prepared to protect myself from murderers, rapists, wars, and acts of animal cruelty, but am I really ready for anything?
Luckily I have Hollywood. Movies have prepared me a contingency plan for almost any terrible, world ending situation. Like what to do if all the semi-trucks and lawn mowers in the world become possessed and try to kill all mankind, or what I should do if the earth is about to take a direct hit from a giant meteor, or even what to do if gremlins try to take over my neighborhood. Essentially, Hollywood has been preparing us for the end of the world for years, we just haven't been paying close enough attention.
But being the rational man that I am I realized that there is only one world ending situation we can and should be worried about:
Since realizing the seriousness of this future problem I have devoted serious thought and hours of planning in order to prepare myself for a zombie outbreak and this is what I have come up with.
My plan is simple and consists of 7 steps:
1- Acquire shotgun and loads of ammunition (for defense).
2- Stock up on beef jerky, peanut butter, and water filters (for eating and stuff).
3- Stock up on winter clothing and have it ready to go at any moment (for warmth).
4- Own a truck with plenty of gas cans (for transportation).
5- Have all of it ready to go as soon as zombie outbreak occurs (for quick escape).
6- Drive north into Alaska or Canada where it's too cold for zombies and their coagulated blood to function (for safety).
7- Enjoy hunting/fishing/sledding/living in peace until the end of your days (for happiness).
Mind you, this isn't the only plan, and maybe not even the best plan, but it is a plan and that's better than nothing. For this reason I urge all of you to honestly consider the threat of a zombie outbreak and write up a legitimate contingency plan. Also, if you have your own zombie contingency plan or advice/revisions to my plan I would ask that you please share so that we can all share in a safer, happier, and zombie-less future.
I'm ready for a zombie outbreak, are you?
7 comments:
This is cracking me up, you are so weird.
Glad I inspired you. If I remember correctly, the zombie contingency plane was myyyy idea. but, yours is at least different than mine is. do you remember what it was? Trivia on how well you paid attention to our friendship.
I think we need a meeting place for when the zombies strike. Since most modern forms of communications will be dysfunctional, here is my proposal- At the 2nd sunrise after "D-Day" meet on the far hill where the sage brush grows...
If I'm not there by the time the sun is directly overhead, assume the worst. Take the remaining survivors and get out town, and trust no one.
Alaska might not be the best idea. You ever seen "30 Days of Night"? Worst movie ever, but it's something to seriously consider.
I agree with juje, vampires are equally bad. Also, did you just see zombieland? If you did, so did I! I loved it! If you haven't seen it the kid has a pretty good survival checklist you should check out. It seemed to work for him.
Mal- of course i do, your "contingency plan" is to commit suicide. Eric- wonderful idea, consider it incorporated. Juje- we all know vampires aren't real, so i'm not really worried about that. thanks for the warning tho. Riana- yes, i loved that movie. so funny and some great ideas to add to the list. thanks.
If all else fails you can always take shelter in your baby cupboards or the tiny hidden doors in your apartment...
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